Real Talk...
Recently, I have been going through some stuff in my real life that seems to be affecting my time in SecondLife. I might need help. Trigger warning: Depression & Mental Health.
Yesterday I came to the revelation that anytime the topic of myself comes up, I throw up mental blocks and I refuse to talk about it. No matter what it is. Someone complimenting me or wanting to talk about what's bothering me brings me to tears. Even when it comes to talking about what I want to do with my future, I freeze. My mind completely shuts down and I block everything out and then people say I just start nodding and looking away. I feel like I'm not even in my body anymore. The only thing I remember when I blackout is fighting back tears and then getting a massive headache.
For over a decade I have been doing this without realizing and it was finally brought to my attention that maybe I need help or someone to talk to. Until this point, I haven't discussed anything that might be bothering me, ever. I take things in stride and act like they don't bother me and in turn, I ignore it. However, now I am being forced to deal with everything all at once and find out what my trigger is for the mental blocks.
A few subjects, when mentioned, bring me to tears. These include the divorce of my parents, my physical appearance and my first marriage. I will not get into detail about any of these things but it's been hard for me to deal with things. I usually get on SecondLife and talk to my friends about their troubles and work with them through it because of my inability to get through my own issues. It's become my outlet to find answers within myself by trying to help others but it doesn't seem to be working. While my mother suggests Therapy and Medication, others suggest just talking the moment something comes up that I want to talk about or just typing it out on my computer since this is the best way for me to communicate anything.
I have a huge issue with confrontation. I can not confront someone face to face or on voice or anything because I cave. Everyone who knows me takes advantage of this weakness of mine and can get me to do just about anything that way. When I am on SecondLife, it is the same way. If I have to confront someone, I get so much anxiety and I tend to lean on my friends for support and guidance even though it's behind a screen!! A recent example of this was when a friend teleported me to the same location as my SecondLife ex and made me confront them. Due to not wanted to seem like a coward, I dealt with it. The entire time, my heart was racing and I was shaking. I tuned my Real Life out entirely and fought tears. It was almost traumatizing. I saved the conversation and while I ripped into said ex and called him out and belittled him, it took a heavy toll on me as well.
The person I am currently with on SecondLife had a friend whom he trusted but who strongly dislikes me and when this person messaged me saying they are going to leave the picture (IE: delete my 'romantic partner' and destroy what he built on his land), that hit me hard. He blamed me for his actions even though I have only ever had one conversation with him ever in my life. My anxiety hit me and I feared that he would leave me because of it just to try to appease this person and I would be shoved aside. I fear that to this day still. It would make things better for him and he would get his buildings back on his land, most likely and I would vanish.
I have known him in Real Life for 7+ years and we've met several times and have had a history in RL. He has also been one of the people I've been able to vent to and yet, I still worry.
My anxiety cripples me both in Real Life and Second Life and I've never known how to deal with it. Is there a support group in SL? I have never talked about any issues before but I am ready to take this first step...
Yesterday I came to the revelation that anytime the topic of myself comes up, I throw up mental blocks and I refuse to talk about it. No matter what it is. Someone complimenting me or wanting to talk about what's bothering me brings me to tears. Even when it comes to talking about what I want to do with my future, I freeze. My mind completely shuts down and I block everything out and then people say I just start nodding and looking away. I feel like I'm not even in my body anymore. The only thing I remember when I blackout is fighting back tears and then getting a massive headache.
For over a decade I have been doing this without realizing and it was finally brought to my attention that maybe I need help or someone to talk to. Until this point, I haven't discussed anything that might be bothering me, ever. I take things in stride and act like they don't bother me and in turn, I ignore it. However, now I am being forced to deal with everything all at once and find out what my trigger is for the mental blocks.
A few subjects, when mentioned, bring me to tears. These include the divorce of my parents, my physical appearance and my first marriage. I will not get into detail about any of these things but it's been hard for me to deal with things. I usually get on SecondLife and talk to my friends about their troubles and work with them through it because of my inability to get through my own issues. It's become my outlet to find answers within myself by trying to help others but it doesn't seem to be working. While my mother suggests Therapy and Medication, others suggest just talking the moment something comes up that I want to talk about or just typing it out on my computer since this is the best way for me to communicate anything.
I have a huge issue with confrontation. I can not confront someone face to face or on voice or anything because I cave. Everyone who knows me takes advantage of this weakness of mine and can get me to do just about anything that way. When I am on SecondLife, it is the same way. If I have to confront someone, I get so much anxiety and I tend to lean on my friends for support and guidance even though it's behind a screen!! A recent example of this was when a friend teleported me to the same location as my SecondLife ex and made me confront them. Due to not wanted to seem like a coward, I dealt with it. The entire time, my heart was racing and I was shaking. I tuned my Real Life out entirely and fought tears. It was almost traumatizing. I saved the conversation and while I ripped into said ex and called him out and belittled him, it took a heavy toll on me as well.
I have known him in Real Life for 7+ years and we've met several times and have had a history in RL. He has also been one of the people I've been able to vent to and yet, I still worry.
My anxiety cripples me both in Real Life and Second Life and I've never known how to deal with it. Is there a support group in SL? I have never talked about any issues before but I am ready to take this first step...
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